Saturday and Sunday, March 5th and 6th, 2011.
University of South Florida, Tampa, Florida, 33612. (Streaming Video)

Dear Mr. Vernon:

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday and Sunday in the Rec Center for skating a convention tournament while so much of the rest of the derby world was focused on the West Coast for Wild West Showdown. We love to skate derby, regardless of who else is skating wherever else. But we think you’re crazy to make us write a preview on Roller Derby Inside Track telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us – in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. You see us as a new kid (Gold Coast), a transfer (Duke City), an outsider (Ohio), an up-and-comer (Houston), a big woman on campus (No Coast), and a townie (Tampa Bay). Correct? That’s the way we saw each other at 9:00 a.m. EST Saturday morning. We were brainwashed.

Gold Coast Derby Grrls (The New Kid) – currently unranked in the South Central Region
vs. Ohio at 11:20 a.m. EST Saturday
vs. Duke City at 8:30 a.m. EST Sunday
vs. Houston at 2:10 p.m. EST Sunday

After first publicly skating bouts way back in 2008 (back in the days when they were known as the Broward County Derby Grrls), a name change led these ladies from the Tri-County area of South Florida into the WFTDA Apprentice Program. On March 1st, WFTDA promoted Gold Coast to full-fledged membership. While it remains unconfirmed, my sources tell me that Gold Coast might just be able to have these bouts count towards rankings for the First Quarter of 2011. Gold Coast has never faced off against any of its three scheduled opponents for this weekend, but they’ve gone head-to-head with various teams from the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins in the past three years. On February 16, 2009, Gold Coast lost to the Tantrums in a 30-minute, single-half semi-final bout for Sunshine Skate 2009, by a margin of 100-21. It was Gold Coast’s only loss of the tournament, as they skated to a third-place finish out of 11 teams that year. On August 8th of that same year, they traveled to Tampa to lose to league team the Cigar City Mafia, 130-118. They finally managed their first victory against Tampa on January 9, 2011, defeating Tampa Bay’s B-Team (The Bruise Crew) by a final score of 128-105. (The Bruise Crew featured at least six skaters from Tampa Bay’s All-Star team, the Tantrums.) Only three weeks ago, they beat Charlotte by a score of 144-60. Look for jamming action from Lucy Liunatic, Jess Business, and Souljourner while Freek-A-Rella, Tsunami Tsue, and the rest wreak havoc in the pack.

Duke City Derby (The Transfer) – was ranked #11 in the Western Region
vs. No Coast at 9:30 a.m. EST Saturday
vs. Tampa Bay at 5:30 p.m. EST Saturday
vs. Gold Coast at 8:30 a.m. EST Sunday

Years of skating in the Western Region (all the way back to the days when there was merely the East and the West) saw Duke City compete with many teams, including the now-legendary defeat of defending champions Kansas City back at Battle Royale on October 3, 2008. 2010 started off fast for Las Munecas Muertas, as they won four of their first five sanctioned bouts (their only loss coming to eventual WFTDA Champions Rocky Mountain), but ended on a disappointing note which saw them lose six of their last seven sanctioned bouts. How much of the disappointment comes from losing stars like Kamikaze Kim to Rat City and Amanda Jamitinya to Rocky Mountain remains to be seen. Franky Panky is the genesis to Duke City’s new beginning in the South Central Region. Keep an eye on young jammer Brutalitar – as she goes, so go Las Munecas.

Ohio Roller Girls (The Outsider) – currently ranked #13 in the North Central Region
vs. Gold Coast at 11:20 a.m. EST Saturday
vs. No Coast at 3:50 p.m. EST Saturday
vs. Houston at 10:30 a.m. EST Sunday

While this year’s and last year’s Franky Panky tournament are generally stocked with teams from the South Central Region, occasionally an Ohio team from the North Central Region joins the fun. In 2010, it was the Cincinnati Rollergirls Black Sheep (who went 3-0 against Dallas, Tampa Bay, and Tallahassee). This year, Ohio takes the spot. At this rate, I would like to preemptively welcome the Burning River Roller Girls to the 2012 Franky Panky Tournament. Ohio remains an enigma to predict this weekend. Never in their history have they skated against any of the other leagues, and they are the sole team (aside from Gold Coast) not to be ranked high enough to compete at Regionals last year. With that said, Ohio comes to Tampa no less than two sanctioned bouts in the past month, having narrowly defeating Ft. Wayne on February 19th and having trounced Burning River by 80 last Sunday. Will OHRG keep the tradition alive of Ohio teams going undefeated at Franky Panky?

Houston Roller Derby (The Up-And-Comer) – currently ranked #7 in the South Central Region
vs. Tampa Bay at 2:00 p.m. EST Saturday
vs. Ohio at 10:30 a.m. EST Sunday
vs. Gold Coast at 2:10 p.m. EST Sunday

2009 saw the HaRD Knocks continue their winning streak over Dallas en route to a trip to Philadelphia for Nationals (only to be slaughtered by Rocky Mountain – anyone else noticing a theme here?). Retirement and transfers caught up with Houston early in 2010, as Dallas’s Hell Razors defeated them no less than three times in two months. HaRD Knocks got their revenge at Amber Waves of Pain when they dulled Dallas by 81 points. Franky Panky will see Houston continue its developing friendly-but-fierce rivalry with the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins. The Tantrums currently lead the all time series at 2-and-0, but Houston lost by only seven and fifteen points in those two bouts. Will the HaRD Knocks finally get a win against a Florida team on Tampa’s home turf?

No Coast Derby Girls (The Big Woman On Campus) – currently ranked #5 in the South Central Region
vs. Duke City at 9:30 a.m. EST Saturday
vs. Ohio at 3:50 p.m. EST Saturday
vs. Tampa Bay at 12:20 p.m. EST Sunday

The Mad Maxines and the Tantrums met for the first time ever at Southern Fried Smackdown’s 7th place bout, with the Tantrums winning a penalty-laden, crazy bout by a score of 126-110. The two teams met again in an elimination bout at Clover Cup on March 6 last year, and while No Coast led at the half, Tampa Bay came back to win it, 99-87. Since then, the Mad Maxines have lost one sanctioned bout (a quarterfinal loss against the Texecutioners at Amber Waves of Pain) and won ten other bouts, including welcoming ICT Rollergirls to full-fledged WFTDA membership by beating them 190-72 last weekend… and finally beating the Tantrums in Lincoln, 148-124. With Flash Gloria and Kobra Kai leading the way jamming, with Princess Lay-Ya Flat (continuing her rivalry with the Tantrums’ Leia Flat) and The Bone Setter, can the Mad Maxines make it thirteen wins in their last fourteen sanctioned bouts?

Tampa Bay Derby Darlins (The Townie) – currently ranked #6 in the South Central Region
vs. Houston at 2:00 p.m. EST Saturday
vs. Duke City at 5:30 p.m. EST Saturday
vs. No Coast at 12:20 p.m. EST Sunday

With apologies to Kansas City, the Tantrums were road warriors in 2010, skating multiple bouts in Fort Worth, Milwaukee, Feasterville, Huntsville, and finally Lincoln. Already having skated two sanctioned bouts on the road this year (against Charm City and Dutchland), the Tantrums finally come home to host Franky Panky 2 (Flamingo Boogaloo) at the University of South Florida’s Rec Center. The Derby Darlins boast the most experience against other teams booked at Franky Panky, having bouted against Houston, No Coast, and Gold Coast multiple times, claiming six wins in eight bouts. While the current edition of the Tantrums is missing some familiar faces – notably, blockers Frieda Killigan and Eliza Lot, and jammers Six Gun Suzie and Rock-C – keep an eye out for Lily the Kid and second-year jammer Reeces Tear Ya To Pieces. After keeping it close with Charm City, the Tantrums would like nothing better to get that third and final spot at this year’s Regionals to make it to Championships in Denver. A clean sweep this weekend would make an excellent first step for Tampa Bay.

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday and Sunday in the Rec Center for skating a tournament while so much of the rest of the derby world was focused on the West Coast for Wild West Showdown. We love to skate derby, regardless of who else is skating wherever else. But we think you’re crazy to make us write a preview on Roller Derby Inside Track telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us – in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of these teams is a new kid, a transfer, an outsider, an up-and-comer, a big woman on campus, and a townie. Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,
Vince Hannity.